Rotherham United 3-0 Lincoln City

It's caning it down with rain as I slide open the French window door, walk down the passageway and turn left onto a snicket, which leads me to the bottom of Carlton Hill. Water is cascading down the road at a fair rate of knots. The clogged up drains and sewers are unable to cope with the deluge of rain. I'm joined by Faggsy who feels the full force of spray as a car acquaplanes into standing water. There's no bus down to Stoke Lane. In hindsight an UBER would have been the more sensible option. Through gritted teeth and sheer stubbornness we make the 25 minute walk (mostly in silence) in monsoon conditions to watch Northern Premier Midlands League table toppers Carlton Town pit their wits against AFC Rushden and Diamonds.

We have ten minutes to dry out in the clubhouse prior to kick off. Another superb DJ Murph set can't lift my spirits. I might put a half-time request in for 'Why Does it Always Rain on Me?' by Travis. I watched the visitors exit the FA Cup back in August against Grimsby Borough. They were bloody awful that day. I said to some of the lads on a WhatsApp group that I'd walk naked down to Sneinton Market if 'we' don't beat these. It's just my luck that the Diamonds have invested heavily since that cup loss. 

Former Portuguese Lincoln City wing wizard, Bruno Andrade, has somehow been persuaded to drop down to Step 4 level. Check his goal out for the Imps versus Everton in 2019. He's still only 32 years old, so it will be a stiff test for Sticky and Faggsy's favourite full back, Shea Thompson-Harris.

The greasy, rain-sodden playing surface plays its part in probably the best game of football I've seen this season. A massive thank you to the volunteers who gave their time up to help the club get this game on, as many fixtures have fallen by the wayside this evening. 

Carlton have a winger called Lamin Manneh, who on his day is unplayable. He gets the Millers up the pitch making the midfield and a full back look like they are running through quicksand. A goal from the 'Carlton Cattermole' sees them 1-0 up at the break.

The visitors equalise as Andrade's dead balls, fast feet and trickery begin to pose problems. A brace from Davie, the second a beauty, gives the Millers breathing space, but a towering header from another Andrade set piece means a nervy, nail-biting finale. Special mention to local photographer Steve Mack who captures Niall Davie's goal celebrations as he runs towards Mum and Dad who are supporting their son on the rain-soaked sidelines.

I've four days off to look forward to and aim to put them to good use. I get my ears syringed on Thursday. The consultant says there's a lot of liquid in there - "it's probably rain water from the other night", I reply. I was going to watch Palestine 36 at Nottingham Broadway, but the show times don't align with my plans for the rest of the day. I watch a film on Amazon called 'The Phantom of the Open.' It's about a crane driver from Cumbria called Maurice Flitcroft who blags his way into the qualifying rounds of the British Open Golf tournament on four occasions - breaking the record for the worst ever scorecard. The book is one of the funniest I've  read and the film has a feel good factor that puts me in a good mood.

The evening is spent in West Bridgford with close friends watching NFFC take on Sturm Graz in the Europa League. The pub we watch it in (Waterside) is on its arse. There's no cask ale on and never is, on the rare occasions I drop in. Forest make a pig's ear of it

They should have been comfortably ahead by half-time. We finish the night up around the corner at William Gunn where there is a much better beer choice and some tapas that's on the menu too.

The following day I spontaneously buy a £20 super saver return train ticket to Manchester. Obviously there's a risk attached as slow motion railways (EMR) are the operator responsible for getting passengers there. Of course we are late leaving and late arriving - I've had more refunds off these clowns than a serial gig goer at a cancelled Morrissey concert. Northern Trains, up in Manny, are having an off day. I arrive in the town of Westhoughton an hour later than expected.

Unknown to me, two very famous people are from the town, which lies close to Bolton. The actor, Robert Shaw, well known for his part as a shark hunter in the 1976 film Jaws, has a Wetherspoons named after him. Footballer, Francis Lee, was also born in the town. He eventually went on to become a successful businessman who sold toilet rolls. He's more famously remembered as being foolish enough to have a punch up with 'Dirty Leeds' Norman 'Bite Yer Legs' Hunter at the Baseball Ground in the 1970s.

I'm on the CAMRA Heritage Pub trail today. I tick off the wonderful White Lion in the town before returning to Piccadilly and then heading out to Patricroft, near Eccles, where the Queens Head awaits me. I return to Manchester and head up to the Northern Quarter and University of Manchester areas of the city where I re-visit Fell Bar and Sandbar. The EMR train arrives homes 45 minutes late ...lol.

It's Saturday and I'm on the 10.45 Norwich to Liverpool train. The destination is the steel town of Rotherham where the Chuckle Brothers and Jive Bunny are from. What can possibly go wrong? All we have to do is change at Sheffield. A ruffled and distressed train guard dashes through our carriage shouting "anyone going to Sheffield please change at Chesterfield, as this train is LATE we won't be stopping at Sheffield." As we get off at Chesterfield I say to the guard "Yes, we're late because your train crew were late getting on the train at Nottingham."

I'm with Carlton Town supporter and Birmingham City fan Dean Gripton today. There's time to visit a new Good Beer Guide entry, a micropub in Sheffield called Two and Six. The beer is fine, but not so a grumpy, negative Imps fan, who has nothing positive to say about the club. We have a swift pint as there is a UKIP march (goose step) at 1pm, with clashes expected with a counter-demonstration. I wouldn't mind hanging around to give an extreme right winger a left hook.

Things that can only happen to me part 43 occur on the next stage of our journey. We are two minutes away from Rotherham when there is an announcement on the tannoy  ... "this train will NOT be stopping in Rotherham" - Jesus wept, you couldn't make this up folks.

At the New York Stadium we grab a pint of New York pale ale and have pie, wedges and mushy peas - all in it's £13 a pop and is good value. All the staff are dead friendly and it's certainly one of my favourite 'newer grounds.' The Last Post is played as we remember the fallen and injured.

The whistle is blown with Lincoln forcing a couple of early corners that are swung in with the sweet left foot of Adam Reach. The Millers (Rotherham) are dangerous on the front foot. The Imps fail to close down James who takes an extra touch before firing a low shot that strikes the inside of the post with the ball nestling in the net in the opposite corner of the goal.

It sets the tone for a lacklustre shift from Lincoln. A Rotherham corner is pinged to Martha who is lurking on the edge of the box. He blasts the ball into the roof of the net. Lincoln's only effort is a Rob Street shot that is well blocked.

I say to Deano at the break that I expect Michael Skubala to make a few changes as the Imps have been toothless in attack, particularly Freddie Draper, heavy in weight, but lightweight when in possession.  He sticks by the eleven who have failed him. It's only when Street is moved to a central role that things begin to improve. By then the game is gone after further sloppy defending sees Rotherham take a 3-0 lead.

The Rotherham to Sheffield tram fails to turn up. Talk about kicking a man when he's down. We manage a quick pint in the Grade II listed Sheffield Tap before catching the 19.06 Northern Train home. I can't 'arf pick 'em.

Attendance: 8912

Man of the Match: Niall Davie (on Tuesday)

Best Record I Heard on the Radio This Week: Sleaford Mods, 'The Good Life.'

Real Ale of the Week: El Dorado, Tapped Brew Co, Sheffield Tap

Cotgrave FC 2-4 Keyworth United

I alight the tram at the Noel Street stop, in Hyson Green, inner city Nottingham. I take a short cut through Asda car park and cross over the tram tracks on Radford Road before turning into Selhurst Street. I pay the full price on the turnstile. I could get in as a concession but why would you want to rob a club of a few quid when they give you so much pleasure on and off the pitch.

I can see him sitting at a table with his Radford FC coat on and wearing his trademark baseball cap. The last six occasions I've watched his team play they have fallen to defeat. I'm usually chased out of the ground and told not to come back. I take a deep breath as I open the clubhouse door. "OUT! OUT! get him OUT" shouts Big Glenn. 

I get abuse for the next ten minutes as I catch up on all the United Counties League gossip. I had the choice of two games this evening, but was never going to miss this local derby between Radford and Gedling MW. I take my usual position as a bald-headed, spectacled gentleman pays in on the gate.

I stand with Faggsy and watch a superbly contested 90 minutes of football. Kieran Harrison puts the visitors 2-0 up at the break. I don't dare make eye contact with Glenn as he walks past me at half-time. It's a valiant effort by Radford after the break. The Miners commit footballing suicide. A defender is sin-binned and later sent off. They hang onto the three points by the skin of their teeth. Radford give their all but are down on their luck. Faggsy and I don't hang about as I don't want to feel the wrath of Glenn's tongue. We see the night out with a couple of pints of real ale at The Barrel Drop on Hurts Yard.

Sleep is for wimps. I'm up and at 'em early doors on Wednesday as I'm away from 'media duties' for the next four days. Ms Moon is due to be working down south east England. I take full advantage by booking a two day trip up to North Yorkshire, where my brother lives.

Actually, the first port of call is Leeds, in West Yorkshire. I meet my brother, Mark, by the ticket barrier. We re-enter the station and jump on a train to Kirkstall Bridge. I've a few good beer guide pubs to tick off in the area. The bad weather forecast by that buffoon, Alex Beresford, on ITV News, fails to materialise.

 

We enjoy a cracking day out walking down the Leeds/Liverpool canal. The Kirstall Brewery Tap, close to the Emmerdale Farm studios is a beauty. We finish up at the Highland Laddie where Yorkshire TV cameras rock up as the pub has recently won a best food award. I'd have had the oysters if my brother was buying .. lol.

There's no sleep for the wicked on Thursday morning. Our Kid and I are parked up in Bridlington town centre by 10.30 a.m. We jump in a taxi and head up to Flamborough Head. It's a walk we've both talked about for a while now. Blue skies, with little or no breeze, give us the perfect conditions. It's a thoroughly enjoyable 10 mile trek across the cliff tops, passing through a couple of links golf courses. Fish and chips are our reward at the end of the hike. They are washed down with a few drinks in some historical watering holes in Bridlington old town. 

I take the opportunity to call in at Barnsley on my return journey home. The town was impressive on my last visit. It's certainly been spruced up since all the pit closures back in the 1990s. The George and Dragon has been a mainstay in the beer guide. I also manage a quick scoop at Spiral City where Dark Entries by Bauhaus is on the dukey - well it is Halloween after all.

The Carlton Town WhatsApp fans group is one shy of 100 people. I can actually remember crowds of 80 at Stoke Lane when I first started watching football down there. There are a lot of like-minded, good folk who have become good friends of mine. Two of the lads, Dan and Chris, have come up with the idea of a Vinyl Night. Exhausted, as I am, I have to make the effort to support the event. I handover a few records to Dan as a gift for his voluntary service from behind the decks over the last few years that have broadened my musical horizons. One of the albums is New Order's debut from 1981 called Movement.

It's a wonderful evening of music. I also catch up with a few folk I've not seen in a while. 'Grip', Nige, Ian and Reuben are on fine form, as are local legends Pretty Windows, who play a brilliant live set. Thanks for organising everything, Dan, Chris, Kelly MC Murph and Nick. Can't wait for the next one.

My trip to Salford to watch Lincoln City in the FA Cup has fallen through. Can't say I'm too disappointed as I've spent half the week on a train. Maybe I can catch the Imps at Rotherham United's New York Stadium next Saturday. Another mouth-watering fixture caught my eye a few weeks ago. Not only that, but my youngest son is pencilled in to play despite only landing from Thailand yesterday morning after a six day work beano.

Forest are playing Man United at 3 pm so I need to be south of the river before the traffic clogs up West Bridgford. I arrive in town in plenty of time for my bus to Cotgrave. Add Trent Barton (they have previous form with the Keyworth Connection) to the incompetent companies list which includes: East Midlands Trains, XCountry Trains and Tesco Carlton. There's no bus for 45 minutes. Fair play to the driver when the bus finally turns up, as he drives like Keanu Reeves in the film Speed, enabling me to get to the ground a few minutes before kick off.

It's a bugger to get in the ground. There are more gates locked than nearby HMP Whatton. I'm pointed in the direction of the Welfare where you can now gain access. I'm relieved of £3 at the gate for what is Step 7 football - I honestly don't mind, but when did this suddenly creep in? And yes .. concessions were no charge. I fully understand how much the Notts FA charges for officials and that funds need to be raised to cover costs.

If you didn't know that Cotgrave are top of the NSL League, then you must have been living under a rock. They have the noisiest twitter account in local football and are looking to be accepted for promotion to Step 6. Keyworth United is a club that I was involved with in a coaching capacity for over 20 years.

It honestly could be 2-2 after 7 minutes as a strong cross wind causes havoc for both defences. Felix Hogg puts the Miners one up having risen unchallenged to head home. Keyworth hang in there and gain momentum. The impressive Callum Wolloch equalises. The hosts are stunned when a breathtaking move sees Stan Logan fire home. An own goal is the final nail in the coffin at the fag end of the first half. Cotgrave's players aren't chirping now as they leave the field of play. I'm stood with the Stolworthys and Sizzers who are beaming from ear to ear.

Keyworth, to a man, are magnificent in the second half. Connor Gillan is dominant in the air and tenacious in the tackle, as he bosses the midfield. Cotgrave's foot soldiers look leggy. The Green Army's character is tested when arrears are reduced from the penalty spot. Their ace in the pack, 'Rocky' is unleashed from the bench. He thumps home the winning goal in an instant. I check the Cotgrave socials to see what's gwarning. Absolutely nothing folks, since they went 1-0 up in the 26th minute. They only sing when they're winning!

Attendance: 179 (head count)

Man of the Match: Connor Gillan

Best Song I've Heard on the Radio This Week: The Strokes, Juicebox

Best Real Ale Supped This Week: Fresh Hops cascade, Tigertops Brewery, from Wakefield