Keyworth United 1-3 Woodthorpe Park Rangers

I stretch out in my armchair, wearing just my underpants (sorry if you're reading this just after your tea). I feel like 'The Carlton Jim Royle' as I shout, swear and gesticulate at another dumb contestant on Tipping Point. I'm soaked to the skin. It rained like no tomorrow at Carlton Town's Stoke Lane ground. Despite being in possession of a massive golfing umbrella (thanks Keebo) for the entire 90 minutes of the game; we both resemble drowned rats as we dash back to the car. Carlton have been passed off the pitch by visitors Leek Town. Sticky's favourites 'Bally' and 'Clarky' were absent and sorely missed.

My spirits are lifted by another win for 'The Lincoln.' The Imps are fortuitous to have landed a great manager, coach and mentor in Michael Appleton. We headhunted him from the wilderness of West Bromwich Albion's Under 23s. He shipped out 20 odd players, replacing them with a younger squad who are hungry to succeed. We've climbed to the summit of League One as we approach the 'sacking season'. My worry is that a Championship owner will look to make a move for Appleton, who has previous for upping sticks and walking out.

It's been announced that Nottingham and some surrounding boroughs are to enter Tier 3 later in the week. I awake each morning to leaked news headlines on the BBC website that the plan for a back-pedaling Conservative government is an imminent national lockdown - at least it'll buy me some time for the QMC to sort out my dodgy 'mince pie' (detached retina   .... yes folks, that again). I can then start enjoying watching football again with two perfectly good eyes.

An extraordinary incident takes place on a back road in the village of Hotten, on Emmerdale Farm on Tuesday evening. I witness the whole sordid scene as I peer over my Kindle whilst reading Keith Gillespie's fast-paced autobiography. A blonde-haired lass, called Charity, has had a car accident. She exchanges contact details with the other driver, a random Glaswegian who's more incandescent with rage than former Nottingham Forest manager 'Wee Billy Davies.' They end up having some hanky-panky on the back seat of the car. Unbeknown to Charity, local hardman, Cain Dingle, is bound and gagged in the boot of the car - if you think 'Wee Billy' gets cross I can assure you that Cain can take it to another level. Having performed an escape act on par with the Hungarian, Harry Houdini, he attacks the Scotsman in Moira's kitchen with a crowbar.

I don't sleep too well that evening. Those Dingles aren't right in the head. I prefer the gentle pace of Coronation Street. Or at least I thought I did. Johnny, the landlord of the Rovers Return, has got himself into a right old two 'n eight. His old partner in crime has returned to the cobbled streets and is keen to forge links and plan one final robbery. Johnny bottles it after an MS attack and ends up grassing his pal to the local plod. The robbery at the Bistro is a botched attempt. The baddie, wearing a clown's mask, mows down the fat ginger copper, who usually frequents Chesney's kebab shop (actually he's lost some timber). I'll keep you posted folks. 

Radio 2 hasn't got much better this week as we both continue to work from home. The good news is that Ken Bruce and Jeremy Vine are both on annual leave. The bad news is 'Ooh Gary Davies' and Steve Wright are both on daytime shows. No doubt Vine will return next week, from half term, with a string of near-miss incidents to report where motorists have tried to knock him off his bicycle.

There's no midweek live football to report on. Evening kick offs have been canned until my next eye operation. I listen to Marseille v Manchester City on Five Live on Tuesday and the Marcus Rashford Show the following night - the lad can do wrong, blasting home a hat-trick in a whirlwind 16 minutes, after coming on as sub. 

It's Friday evening and the month-long National Lockdown rumours just won't go away. I log onto the Neon Raptor beer shop and order a couple of brand-spanking-new lockdown brews. I neck a few cans during the soaps as I scroll through my Twitter timeline. Tomorrow will be my last game for a while. It could be the last ever game that Keyworth United 1st team will play on their grass pitch too. 

I have a couple of slices of toast smothered in marmalade as I listen to Bananarama and U2's Adam Clayton on Dermot O'Leary's Saturday morning show. He plays 'Killing Moon' by Liverpool band Echo and the Bunnymen. I saw them back in their pomp, in the early 80s, at Nottingham's Rock City. Lead singer Ian McCulloch used to be as cool as Clough, as he chain-smoked his way through a set.

Ms Moon binge watches her way through a couple of episodes of Four in a Bed as I prep my blog and get ready for the afternoon ahead. We drive over Lady Bay Bridge as Paul Gambacinni plays Mad World by Tears For Fears - how apt. I saw them play at Rock City when they supported the Thompson Twins in 1982. There's sad breaking news on social media: James Bond actor, Sean Connery, has passed away, aged 90 years old.

We take a diversion to Morrisons in Gamston. The plan was to drop me in Keyworth, my old stomping ground, so I could have a walk around the old bus route which goes up Nottingham Road, onto Selby Lane, towards Willowbrook and down Nicker Hill (Millionaires' Row) where Frank Clark and Neil Webb used to live (not together). Incidentally, Leicester City manager, Brendan Rodgers, is a resident a mile or so away in Wysall and is often seen in the village Co-op. A torrential downpour of rain puts paid to any trip down memory lane.

The Reserves have been playing for half an hour or so and the score is 1-1. I have coached most of these boys. It's a community side who play in Notts Senior League Division 2. I managed a Keyworth development side in the same League a few seasons ago. We (Chris Thompson and I) packed it out with young guns, mostly from the village or had come through the youth system. I wanted to test them the season after by requesting to be placed in the league above. I asked the lads but they were uneasy about being out of their comfort zone. Winning at ease breeds complacency. You learn more about your players in defeat and in the face of adversity. The pace of the game is pedestrian as the Green Army limp over the finishing line 4-3, with a late rally from the visitors, despite being reduced to ten men.

The main event is on pitch one. I'm joined by KUFC chairman Chris Thompson, a diehard Sheffield Wednesday fan. There's a moral dilemma coming Sticky Palms' way next season. He might have to dance with the devil, with the news that KUFC will be playing on a 3G surface. I'll have to watch them away or sneak in for night games undercover.

Woodthorpe Park Rangers are today's visitors, a team that caught my eye last season when I saw them blow away Cotgrave Welfare. Sadly they are without their grand fromage and talisman, Markell Bailey, the best striker in the NSL We're joined by Dringy and Dafty, who turns 50 on Monday. I fish out a birthday card from my coat pocket. 'Jacko' and 'The Taxman' stroll across from the far side - Rule of six applied folks, for now.

Jacko loves a pint at his local. He's had to get creative to navigate around Tier 3 rules. He ordered gammon, egg, chips and peas the other night, with the chef given strict instructions to "take his chuffin' time." Rumour has it, he sent the plate back into the kitchen six times, as the egg wasn't runny enough. Six pints of Doombar later and he finally forked the final pea off his plate.

The Taxman is full of the joys of spring. He reminds me of Mr Barraclough, the prison officer from the BBC comedy series Porridge, such is his gentle demeanor. His outlook on NFFC's trip up to Middlesbrough is bleak - "Not even had a shot on target yet" he moans.

Woodthorpe have been peppering the Keyworth goal with shots. Two of them have the ball nestling in the bottom of the onion bag. The first is from a corner on the right-hand side. It hangs in the air and isn't dealt with. The second goal is, as youth say, a 'banger.' Woodthorpe are lightning on the break. a raking ball is played inside from the wing. It's touched from out of the player's feet before being blasted into the top corner from 22 yards out. It takes my breath away and is worthy of applause.

I check the half-times. Radford are winning in the West Midlands in the FA Vase. Dringy and I do a little jig of delight. The Millers of Carlton are also a goal to the good, up at Sheffield FC; the oldest existing club in the world. 'The Lincoln' are 1-0 down up at Donny.

Dringy keeps producing cans of Stella from out of his clothing. It's like he's got a wizard's sleeve. The visitors score another worldy. The game looks dead and buried. Keyworth pile on the pressure and pull one back following a great strike by Russell.

The best two players on the pitch are the two 7 jackets. Rangers' No.7 has ran the show for an hour but has run out of steam. 20-year-old Keyworth winger Callum Wolloch steps up to the plate. The Green Army get him on the ball. He beats his man, and a few more, time and time again. The boy can deliver too. 

The end of the game is frantic. Keyworth waste chances. The woodwork is struck and there's a goal-line clearance. Woodthorpe have a lad sent off and a couple sin-binned. 11 goals in an afternoon, eh? I can't 'arf pick 'em.

Attendance: Can't headcount with my 'mince pies'

Man of the Match: Sean Connery and the two 7 Jackets