Gedling Town 5 Meir KAFC 0

There was a knock at the door yesterday just before 7am.; (this is not a gag). I was propped up in bed reading the greatest cricket book of all-time: Fatty Batter by Michael Simkins. Mrs P was dispatched to the front door. It was only PC Plod. There had been an attempted robbery down at Sainsbury’s, and they had parked the getaway vehicle outside our house.

Unfortunately for Junior Cop there was only one witness who saw them jump in the car and speed off: his name is Finley Palmer and he is our pet rabbit.

He’s keeping stumm and is refusing to answer questions; he like me has a mistrust of the Nottinghamshire Constabulary. They make PC Ventriss off Heartbeat look like Hercule Poirot. The witness protection scheme in Nottingham has taken a turn for the worse and Finley knows he’ll end up in the pot if he goes on that.

The Tricky Trees are playing The Posh tonight in the JPT. The man from the revenue is a season ticket holder but is on board with Sticky tonight at a FA Cup replay.

Gedling is 4 miles outside Nottingham. My father in-law worked down Gedling Colliery for 35 years, in four foot seams; he struggles to walk some days. Mr Gedling they used to call him. A 60 hour week was the norm.

Former England international Steve Hodge is from these parts. I have had a few good nights slurping beer in the Grey Goose and Westdale Tavern.

We drive past the sewage works at Stoke Bardolph and park the car in thee Ferry Boat Inn. We are greeted by Emimen on the PA system. It’s a tidy ground with a lush playing surface. There are a couple of stands behind the dugout but it’s spoilt by a number of portakabins behind one of the goals.

Gedling Town were founded in 1986 and play in the Northern Counties League. Meir KAFC are from North Staffs and I suspect play in a lower standard. Admission is £4 and the programme a £1.

It’s a disastrous start for Meir when an outrageous piece of showboating from their keeper ends in tears, with the ball falling to Whitehead who somehow contrives to hit a post with the entire goal at his mercy. Alan Jeffries converts the rebound.

Meir are dire, the worst I’ve seen in a while (Racing Club Warwick excluded). Jeffrey hits another, following quick thinking by Gedling keeper Spriggs.

There’s an advert for Bridegate Security in the programme, it wouldn’t surprise me if the home team’s centre backs work there. Matt Millns and Lee Soar are immense, huge and powerful. Tthey make me wince with each header they win.

It’s a massacre in the second period. Diminutive left winger, Ben Cobley, curls in a beauty and Will Heath, who used to play for my local team, rampages down the right before planting a cross on to the rising head of former Nuneaton Borough striker Nicky Kennerdale to make it 4-0.

Carl Westcarr, brother of Kettering’s Craig, makes it 5-0 at the death. Mickleover Sports await in the next round. Forest have been beaten again, 3-2 by Peterborough.

Gedling Town 5 Meir KAFC 0

Attendance: 72

Man of the Match: Ben Cobley