Carlton Town 0-2 Hebburn Town

I exit the ground of the World's oldest existing football club. I'm absolutely steaming mad. Sticky Palms has witnessed a 0-0. Blankety bloody blank. Someone else is steaming, but 'Big Tom's' issue is alcohol related. The big 'un spends more time dodging traffic on the Sheffield Road, back to Dronfield station, rather than taking the sensible option of using the pavement. There's a constant honking of horns as I return the big lad to the safety of the walkway. At one point he totally disappears, only to pop up like Mr Benn on the station platform. A Codhead and a Red Imp walking hand in hand. Who'd have thought that?

Tom spends the journey home slumped in the gangway playing on his phone. I do a sweep of the platform at Nottingham station. There's neither sight or sound of him. It transpires, later, on a WhatsApp group, that the clown alighted the train at Alfreton, thinking it was Nottingham. That must be a first in train passenger history. 

It's Sunday lunchtime and I'm waltzing through the Stoke Lane gates of Carlton Town FC. Folk are gathered in the clubhouse to support the book launch of 'Angels With Dirty Faces' featuring stories from the legends Gary 'Boatsy' Clarke and Paul D. Lowe. Nottingham Forest Chairman, Nicholas Randall QC, is also in the house..

I shout up a Harvest Pale Ale from the Castle Rock stable and take my seat close to a large TV screen that is showing Man Utd v Leicester. A tall gentleman with blonde hair engages in conversation with me, as the Foxes swarm all over United. "We need United to win this one." he says. The guy concerned is Nottinghamshire County Cricket Club legend, Luke Fletcher,  - better known in this parish  as the 'Bulwell Bomber.' It's a big year for him too, as it's his benefit season. A couple of Marcus Rashford goals cheer up 'Fletch' but upset the Tory Party WhatsApp groups for the rest of the day.

Carlton Town owner, Mick Garton, does an excellent Q and A with 'Boatsy' and Paul. Gary admits that languishing in a Durham jail at 39 years old was the lowest point in his life, and a turning point too. 'Boatsy' has turned his life around full circle. He has gone from football hooligan to respected charity fundraiser. His work behind the scenes at the Millers is tireless and something he should be extremely proud of; as should the other volunteers at Carlton Town. There may not be much to cheer us up on the football field, but off it the Club is in fine fettle. I enjoy the very small part I play as a season ticket holder, 150 Club member and programme contributor. 

It's a football-free midweek; a rare one too. Tuesday teatime is spent in the Cock and Hoop and Keans Head with blog favourite Tony Mac. We finally wander up to Rock City, on Talbot Street, after a quick scoop in the Barrel Drop on Hurts Yard. We're here for Dry Cleaning and there isn't a tumble dryer in sight.

We saw the south London-based band support Sleaford Mods at Motorpoint Arena 18 months ago. They play a superb 90 minute set this evening. Lead singer, Florence Shaw, remains deadpan and po-faced during her narrative. The bass guitarist looks like former Notts County defender Brian 'Killer' Kilcline, who was a Soccer AM arm-wrestling champion.

It's Wednesday morning and I'm already on my second bus of the day; an NCT 35 to Bulwell. My dodgy eye has been bothering me. QMC Eye Casualty is packed to the rafters. I get dealt with after 2 hours of reading cult football magazine 'When Saturday Comes.' It's grim news folks, I've a buckle in my eye and will probably need another operation. That eye will never, ever win - I always remain positive. I can always audition as Gabrielle on Stars in Their Eyes.

I'm back on the train again on Thursday, this time it's to New Street station in Birmingham. I've signed up for an NHS initiative called 'Future Lives.' I get my height measured and weight taken (let's not talk about the latter). My blood pressure is fine, but even better news is that my cholesterol is bang on the money.

There's a spring in my step as I walk out of the NHS centre, exiting the Mailbox Shopping Centre. I feel like Jerry St Clair, off Phoenix Nights, when he gets the all-clear. There's a couple of CAMRA Heritage pubs I want to tick off in the Jewellery Quarter and Digbeth. The Rose Villa Tavern and The Anchor Inn are a joy to behold - the latter has a couple of dark beers from Halton Turner Brewing Company. I neck a Lenton Lane ale, later, at the Partizan Tavern, before returning home at the fag end of Ms Moon's working day.

It was sad to wake up to the news of John Motson's passing. John Murray tells an astonishing story during a Five Live tribute on Thursday evening. The radio station used to do a Saturday morning show called 'Matchday With Motty.' Apparently each week he'd make a private phone call at around midday. The  conversation would start with "Hello Alex (Ferguson) could I have today's starting line up please?"

The following day I celebrate the cholesterol test result with a greasy 'Fish Special' from Carlton crowd favourite 'Oceans Chippy.' I walk off an artery-clogging lunch with a stroll into town. I join Tony Mac in BeerHeadZ adjacent to my second home; the train station.

I've done a couple of recces in 'Tory Mansfield', so tonight is no dress rehearsal. Drinking high percentage craft ales isn't, as Tony Mac says, "a game for children." There's a warm welcome at The Garrison from the landlord, who clocks my Notts CCC hoodie. England Women have just lost by 6 runs v South Africa in the T20 World Cup.

I bump into my old boss, Chris Richards, who was Mechanical Engineer at Calverton Colliery. I haven't seen him in over 20 years. He reminds me of the time he took my father, an author, up the colliery dirt tip, one of the biggest in Europe at the time. Dad wanted to write the final scene, in one of his detective crime-thriller books, on the old pit spoil heap.

Pub of the night is in 'Tory Sutton-in-Ashfield.' It's called Firerock and we have walked bloody miles to get to it. We're packed in like sardines as a band is on. Some strong craft ales are chalked-up on the blackboard. We sup most of 'em. I meet up with another old boss from Ideagen PLC, a leading sponsor at NFFC.

I'm fine and dandy on Saturday morning. I rustle up sausages (Tesco Finest ..lol) and scrambled eggs for Ms Moon. She'll need a full stomach to drink on, as the good lady is off to hen night in Bingham. She drops me off down at the ground.

I buy the best programme in the Northern Premier League as the best DJ set at any ground in the U.K blasts out of the PA system. 'DJ Murph' is in fine form as his team Coventry City attempts to see out a 2-0 win over Sunderland on Sky TV. There's a hair-raising last few minutes, in what John Motson used to call 'mystery time' as the visitors peg a goal back. There's a huge sigh of relief and a clenched fist from 'Murph' at the final whistle.

Another great event has been arranged by volunteer Kelly Marie. Today's guest speaker is Nottingham's own IBF European Welterweight Champion Ekow 'The Engine' Essuman. He's a fascinating storyteller and holds the attention of the room, apart from a yapping dog, with some amazing anecdotes. He was recently on the Tyson Fury v Dillian White undercard and boxed in front of 91,000 spectators.

The kick off is delayed by 15 minutes, which is a good thing, as there are more stories to come from 'The Engine.' Hebburn were late arriving due to the hordes of Newcastle fans clogging up the lanes of the A1, on their way to Wembley for tomorrow's League Cup final. It's nip and tuck in the opening 45 minutes, with not much doing. 

I spend most of the half chatting to Malc Brown, father of Dan Brown, one of Sticky's favourites. Dan is only 22 years old and has a very bright future ahead of him. He has an old head on young shoulders and reads the game superbly. Malc and I while away the time discussing Hull City (his team), Lincoln City and the old Notts Alliance from back in the day. Malc's a lovely bloke and I enjoy my time with him. Hebburn take the lead when a cross isn't dealt with. It's deja vu.

Perhaps 'Murph' will cheer us up with a banging toe-tapping tune at the break. Instead he plays 'Reel Around the Fountain' by The Smiths. Morrissey's haunting, baritone voice sends the home crowd into further depression. I read his autobiography. The first 100 pages were as grim as it can be.

I spend the second half talking about anything but football, as I can't see the Millers hitting the back of the Onion Bag unless substitute Romello Nangle is unleashed from the subs, bench. Topics discussed with John, 'DJ Dan', Lewis, 'Big Joe' and Dean Gripton include: detached retinas, Forgotten 80s on Absolute Radio, best chip shops and pubs, podcasts including Gangster and When Saturday Comes and the best craft ales and real ales to be found in Nottingham. To be honest it's for the best as Hebburn seal Carlton's fate when a whipped in cross is headed home. Fair play to Millers' six jacket Khyle Sargent, who never gives up the ghost.

Attendance: 136

Man of the Match: Ekow 'The Engine' Essuman