I should be buzzing after watching a five-goal thriller, down my ends, at the Richard Herrod Centre. But the waters have been muddied, and my enthusiasm dampened, by a blatant breach of Groundhopping Laws, after 45 minutes of a wonderful game of ball, played out on a cabbage patch field. Let me recap folks. Ms Moon made the schoolgirl error in only wearing three layers of clothing, during a bitterly cold spell of weather. She had a strop when I suggested it would be for the best if she wore her walking boots and double socks, as the terrain would be tricky to negotiate (it's bloody hilly in Carlton). Guess what? At half time she had a diva fit on par with Charity off Emmerdale Farm, announcing that it would be a no show from her in the second half of a game that you couldn't take your eyes off. The Princess was shivering cold and couldn't feel her toes.
The events take place in front of a capacity crowd of 30 people. How can I explain this to Naeem and all the good folk from Netherfield and Nottingham Community? The shame and embarrassment of it all. Who has ever left a game at half-time? Apart from some fans of Nottingham Forest who streamed out of The City Ground, a few seasons back, when they were 0-4 down to Sheffield Wednesday on Sabri Lamouchi's watch.
After the match I drop my 'golfing' umbrella off at our crib. Ms Moon is nice and toasty on the sofa watching her 937th episode of Four in Bed. There's no glances in either direction or dialogue exchanged. I'm fuming folks. I use it as an excuse to jump on the No.27 bus that heads to the bottom of Sneinton. I neck a few strong imperial pastry stouts at Neon Raptor, as the football results roll in.
I leave Ms Moon sprawled out on the sofa for the rest of the evening, watching crap quizzes hosted by Ant 'n Dec and Danny Dyer, as I sweat over a hot stove, knocking up an award-winning chicken biryani from the Gordon Ramsay 'Quick and Delicious' cookery book. The curry is eaten, in the words of Simon and Garfunkel, to 'The Sound of Silence.'
Sunday 9th January. It's announced over text (from Lillie Langtry's, I'm holed-up in there) that the Groundhopping Police will be holding an emergency court case on Monday evening at 7 p.m. There is an appeal from the defendant that Emmerdale Farm is on at this time, This is laughed out of court by the Judge (me). Sunday is a good day all-round. Sticky junior banged in 4x goals for his Sunday team - still having time for a duty free ciggie at half-time that I brought him back from 'The Reef and U Reds saw off those 'Southern Softies' from 'The Arsenal.' That cross from Ryan Yates, eh? Watched it about 20x times.
Monday 7 p.m. The hearing is long and drawn out. Evidence is brought to the stand that Ms Moon has previous for hotfooting it at half-time. In Jan 2018, during a snowstorm at Radford FC, in arctic conditions, a similar situation was played out. It resulted in Sticky Palms walking home on his tod, back to Colwick, through the dimly lit streets of Radford, via the city centre. Luckily for me I was met with warmth, sympathy and scoops by Mr and Mrs Trumpy Bolton at the Barley Twist on Carrington Street
I walk into the room wearing a black cap (I'm judge and jury). It's announced that Ms Moon is to serve a four-match ban starting from Sunday Jan 16th. It would have been the 15th but I need a lift to Calverton for footy, and Morrisons at Netherfield after, as I'm making homemade fish fingers.
There's no midweek football fix for Sticky Palms. I have to find another source of entertainment. I make sure I go for a three mile walk each night around the streets of Carlton. It's good for the mind and soul. I've also started to fill out a diary entry at the end of each day, which I hope will lead to bigger things as the year progresses.
I lie in the bath on Tuesday evening, soaking up the suds whilst listening to a croaky Charlie Slater commentate for Radio Nottingham at Kings Lynn v Notts County. Yesterday was a sombre and sad day for the club and its supporters. It was announced, in the early evening, of the passing of legendary local radio commentator Colin Slater MBE. He was my all-time ever favourite radio broadcaster. His passion and love for the Pies always came over brilliantly when he was 'Down the Lane.' I will go to the Barnet game \a week on Friday to pay my respects.
Notts respond well to going behind, storming back to win 4-2, with the highly sought after Geordie, Cal Roberts bagging a hat-trick. There's even bigger news coming in from the Stadium of Light in Sunderland. 'The Lincoln' have battered the Mackems 3-1 (should have been more). To add insult to injury, Chris Maguire has too scored a hat trick. One of his celebrations is in the face of Sunderland manager Lee 'Little Man Syndrome' Johnson, who released him on a free transfer in the summer.
It's Friday teatime and the end of the first five day working week (from my bedroom). With COVID cases soaring I've steered clear of the office, as I still can't drive, and don't fancy chancing it, catching four packed-out buses a day to Ruddington and back.
I don't mind jumping on one into town though ... lol. I meet blog legend Tony Mac in Junkyard, the coolest bar in Nottingham, or is it?? It's the first 'Friday Club' hook up of the year. We need to discuss the itinerary for the Birmingham all-dayer on Jan 28th. We while away two hours in the first bar, sampling a Cloudwater tap takeover.
The night continues as we drop down into Hockley, an area recently voted as the coolest postcode in the U.K. by none other than The Times. Jam Cafe is our usual haunt; it actually gets a mention in The Times article. I have a Norwegian craft ale and follow it up with a can from the Pressure Drop stable; a brewery situated in Tottenham, north London. After a rattle around Sneinton I'm 'Hank Marvin.' I swing by the Carlton Fryer for a lamb kebab and a small portion of chips - I'm an athlete folks.
It's Saturday morning. I've drank two pints of water throughout the night after eating that bloody salty kebab. It went down like Kruger Champagne at the time, as my thirst needed quenching. We have a lazy morning. The plan, originally, was to go and watch Bestwood Colliery v Rushcliffe. The fixture has been switched to a playing field in Clifton; it's not really a ground is it?
I clocked a fixture on the superb Notts Senior League website. FC Geordie, based in Calverton, are playing Ruddington Village. Calverton is a village close to my heart as I 'worked' at the pit for over ten years in the 80s and 90s. The game is confirmed as ON.
I've watched a interesting passage of play from the Test match (Ashes) in Australia. England are in a decent position at close of play in the dead rubber. Ms Moon is now in charge of the flicker. She stumbles across the 1971 comedy film On the Buses. I can't believe they still show these films in this day and age. The male chauvinism is cringeworthy. Inspector Blakey is well funny though and always down on his luck.
We depart 'Chez Palms' at 1.30 p.m. It's good to hear 'Gambers' on Radio 2s Pick of the Pops. He plays 'One Nation Under the Groove' by Funkadelic from 1979. It has one of the greatest starts you'll ever hear on a record; only bettered by Joy Division's Dead Souls.
Ms Moon makes a right hand turn down Collyer Road, opposite to where the pit once stood. It was closed in 1999. It was a time in my life (1988-1999) when I couldn't wait to get to work. The banter was on a different level to anything else I've ever experienced - like gallows humour.
We park up at William Lee Memorial Park. FC Geordie are already waiting to kick off. It's 2.03 p.m. when the referee blows his whistle to start the game, due to Ruddington not emerging from the changing rooms until late on - one of their players arrived later than us. Groundhopping Police don't do late kick offs.
FC Geordie score a cracking goal on 7 minutes. A ball is fired in from the left hand side and is headed home. It's a lovely moment as we are stood next to the grandparents of the goalscorer. Geordie pay the price for missed chances. Ruddington are ruthless in the final third. They are 4-1 up at the break.
There's loads of effing and jeffing coming from the sidelines. Apologies to everyone, but Ms Moon is hankering for her coffee fix. With a four match ban imminent she chances her arm and drives down to the village. She returns with a couple of polysteyrene cups filled to the brim with 200 Degrees coffee.
FC Geordie peg a goal back, but continue to spurn chances. Ruddington put the game to bed with a fifth goal late on. The home team respond immediately, but hap hazard defending ultimately costs them the game.
Attendance: Head count 39
Man of the Match: Colin Slater MBE. Rest in Peace.
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