Carlton Town 4-1 Loughborough Dynamo

It's Thursday 14th October, 7 a.m. I wander down the passageway of our house, as a DG taxi crawls down the road. It stops outside the driveway where my Ford Mondeo has sat stationary for close on 14x months. I've got butterflies, a bit like you get when you are about to take your driving test or GCSE's. 

I've made this miserable journey over 20x times since August 2020. Today, at last, there will be an outcome. Following a detached retina with 4x large tears, I'm finally on the road to recovery. They won't be able to call me 'The Carlton Stevie Wonder' at work anymore and if they do, I'm grassing them up to HR.

The automatic doors slide open at the Ear, Nose and Throat entrance at the QMC University Hospital in Nottingham. I press a button on a passenger lift and exit on Floor D. I traipse down the corridor and check-in at Reception.

Ben Shephard is presenting on GMTV - what I'd give right now, to cheer me up and to take my mind off this operation, would be to see one of the thick-as-a-brick contestants on Ben's Tipping Point quiz show. Ms Moon has seen all 1000 episodes. She recently applied to be a contestant on the show but never heard back. I said to her to take it as a back-handed compliment - basically, because she filled the application form out without any spelling mistakes, she was deemed not thick enough to appear on the programme.

My name is called out early doors, much to the dismay of the other fingernail-biting patients awaiting their fate. The anaesthetist slowly sends in a needle into the side of my eye that should numb me up. It doesn't work due to scar tissue. Another couple of injections are administered through either side of my cheekbone and up into the eye (apologies if you are squeamish) I'm a pussy folks, but when it's the last throw of the dice you will take any crumb of discomfort. The surgeon asks me if I've been watching Squid Game. What?

The operation gets off to an awful start with the surgeon shining a torch into my eye whilst Smooth FM play the woeful 'Zoom' by Fat Larry's Band. Half an hour later a battered and bruised Sticky Palms gingerly leaves his wheelchair, dunks his 2x NHS gift-wrapped malted milk biscuits into a weak cup of tea, before making the return journey home by cab to Carlton.

I sleep it off for the rest of the day. Ms Moon gives me a running commentary, live and exclusive, from Emmerdale Farm. Kim Tate is having some nooky with the Vicar's ex boyfriend. The blithering idiot confesses to burying the body of a copper, the other Christmas, on Kim's Home Farm estate - would never have happened on Alan Turner's and Mrs Bates' watch.

I remove the bandaging from my eye on Friday morning. I look like I've had ten seconds in the round with Tyson Fury. I chill for most of the day as I'm determined to return to work on Monday as I can't abide working from home. There's no real improvement in my vision, yet.

Tony Mac is on manoeuvres in the Sneinton Market area of town. I ask Ms Moon for a pass out as I need some fresh air - I've been self-isolating all week. I time to perfection my arrival at Bunker's Hill, Mac is at the bar and shouts 'em up. We have a quick bat round 'The New Covent Garden' - I take it steady. Something remarkable happens in the Partizan Tavern, the fog and mist lifts from my sight. It's a surreal and happy moment. It's early days but the signs look promising.

The following morning, I rustle up some bacon sandwiches, smothering them with Somerset Brie. I love supporting our local butcher, Robin Tuxford, in Netherfield. He diced some shoulder of lamb for me yesterday as I'm cooking a Lamb Rogan Josh for the good lady tonight, whilst she puts her feet and watches Strictly Come Dancing.

Where to go and watch football today?  One place I'm not welcome at is Radford FC. Big Glenn has put the kybosh on me attending any matchdays at the Club until further notice. I'm considered a Jonah. It falls on deaf ears when I try to explain that I'm not the buffoon who picks the team. I've heard negotiations between Margaret Thatcher and Arthur Scargill in the early 80s went smoother than mine did with Big Glenn.

Every cloud has a silver lining. Blog favourites Carlton Town are playing at home this afternoon. Loughborough Dynamo make the short journey down the A60. Keyworth United and Keyworth Tavern legend Alan 'Jacko' Jackson has made contact to say he will be in attendance as the captains of both teams, Tom Maddison and Rob Norris, both played under his management at KUFC.

There's a great quiz question on Five Live from Alistair Bruce-Ball, who is commentating from Vicarage Road, where Watford and Liverpool are playing in the lunchtime kick off. Which three players reached 100 Premier League goals without scoring a penalty? Answer at the bottom.

I pick a letter up from off the doormat. It's an invitation to a neighbourhood app called Nextdoor. It's comedy gold folks, putting Spotted in Carlton and the even funnier Spotted in Keyworth to shame. Some of the notifications on the timeline are different gravy. Alisha has got some 'brand new' rabbit hay for sale and Lyndsey from Gedling has somehow managed to lose three cats. 

I'm still chuckling as I stroll down past Tesco and onto Burton Road. I admire the extraordinary building of the Old Volunteer public house which I will be frequenting for a refreshment after the long slog home. 

It's £9 on the gate and £1 for a raffle ticket. I've arrived early so I can listen-in to the greatest music playlist on the Non-League circuit. There are always a few The Fall and Buzzcocks tracks to listen out for. 

I chance upon 'Jacko' doing what 'Jacko' does best - sparking up a Hamlet cigar and sinking a pint of bitter. He's on good form following an improvement grant that has been awarded to Keyworth Bowls Club, where he is a committee member, by Rushcliffe Borough Council. His beloved Notts County are away to Tamworth in the 4th qualifying round of the FA Cup. His son, Stuart, usually taxis him around, but he's down Trent Bridge Cricket Ground at the Nottingham Beer Festival.

I stand adjacent to the 18 yard box at the end where the Millers attack in the first half. It's a scrappy opening half an hour with nothing really doing. The game springs to life with Kieran Knight opening the scoring. He doubles his tally three minutes later. Corey Grantham reduces arrears on 40 minutes following good work by the impressive Kevin Da Silva Bastos.

There is an extraordinary moment just before the break. Nat Watson wriggles down the by-line like an electric eel, he crosses the ball with his right foot behind his left leg, it's commonly known as a 'Rabona' and is an outrageous piece of skill. The ball floats over the 'keeper's head and is headed home gleefully at the far post by Toby Moore. There's still time for a glaring miss from the visitors after a breathless final 15 minutes.

I do a lap of honour at the break whilst checking a few latest scores. The deadlock is yet to be broken at The City Ground, Sincil Bank or The Lamb (Tamworth). 'Jacko' is breaking into his second packet of Hamlet. A cloud of smoke appears from out of his mush - it reminds me of my eyesight.

Carlton are on the receiving end of a few tasty challenges in the second half. There's an inevitable sending off which kills off any chance of a Dynamo recovery. Knight seals their fate and completes his hat trick with a deflected effort. 

There's a lovely vibe and feel about Carlton Town. The fundraising efforts of the committee are tireless and rewarding. The team are respectful on the pitch and play the game the right way. I stood with Martin Ball's Dad in the first half. What a warm and engaging fella he was. He stood proudly watching on at his son's comeback match after nearly a year out with a knee injury. Ball is magnificent. He leaps like a salmon and tackles like his life depends on it. I've admired his work over the seasons at Grantham, Shepshed Dynamo and Clifton All Whites. It's great to see he's got his mojo back. Tommy Brookbanks and Mark Harvey can take a lot of credit for that too.

I peg it back home with a spring in my step with victories for the Imps and U Reds too. I can't 'arf pick 'em.

Attendance: 144

Man of the Match: Kieran Knight

Quiz Answer: Les Ferdinand, Emile Heskey and Sadio Mane

Credit Martin Ball photo to Steve Mack